Cross My Heart

On further reflection I realize how much I withheld from my last post here.  I wasn’t ready for details on specific diagnoses and symptoms.  I am also surprised at the level of stress it has caused.    You would think that nearly forty-five years of dialog about how to live with EDS would make writing it down easier, but it isn’t somehow.  I feel so much more vulnerable than when I blogged about my trek into the Cancer universe.  Getting down and dirty, the secret of who I am every day is intimidating.  I’m fearful of uncovering the true mess of me.  Displaying it all.  But why is that scary?  Emotions are never a frightening prospect in my world.  They are one of the few things I do well.  Sometime too well.  I think one of my hangups is how I feel shame for not thriving more when there are so many more people with diseases and problems that are so much more severe.  Not judging myself, learning to be present and grateful for the moment are my daily goals.

To clear up why I was at the doc’s, it was to rule out an Aortic Dissection.  Dissections are more and more common with EDS patients as they age.  They are tears in the aorta causing leaks and are high risk with Vascular Type EDS which I have crossover with Classic and Hypermobility.  So, when a new and persistent chest pain cropped up I worried.  I tried to ignore it.   The great news was that I was reassured that my EKG was rock solid and all my pain was the same old dislocated ribs and discs and yada yada.  I could have said all this in the other blog, yet I didn’t.  I was annoyed with myself.  Annoyed and tired once again. Which I will be, again.  Nearly forty-five years and I’m still learning.  I can honestly say I am grateful for all I know.  I mean that with all of my rock solid EKG.